My Blog

BIG DEAL... I like wings!

Wed, 1 Sep 2010 13:11:51 -0400

Get used to it people. Sometimes I say things in this blog that really gets an earwig under someone’s collar, but I’m going to say it anyway. I LIKE WINGS! The HOTTER the BETTER!!! I’ll dunk them in some blue cheese and YEAH... THAT’S RIGHT... it’s going to get MESSY! Hey guess what? I’m also going to have a BEER! What’s THAT you ask? Yes, Henry Inglenook drinks beer! You have a problem with that??? Just one beer though. If I have more than one, my head’s spinning like a top. Even after ONE, I’m really incapable of walking a straight line to be honest. And back to that ‘wing’ conversation... I can really eat no more than 3 or 4. My ulcer is quite unforgiving. And replace that ‘hot-sauce’ with ‘medium’. Mild can be quite hot sometimes... it depends where you go really. Some hot-sauces can give your tongue quite a sting. You know what? Let’s give that ‘medium’ a switcheroo to ‘mild’. And while we’re at it, let’s lose the blue-cheese. I’m a fan of most cheeses, but at my age, cheese has the ability to lock up my ailimentary canal to complete gridlock. Nevermind the mistrust I’ve had with all foods that are blue. I mean, come on! Other than blueberries, what’s actually BLUE in the foodworld (unprocessed that is). Cottage cheese on a crumpet for me please... you know what? Scratch that too. I’m not feeling overly adventurous today. I’ll just have a thimble of tepid water and a melba toast. In hindsight, I’m not a fan of small crumbs, so icksnay on the ‘elba-toastmay’. Thank you. Goodbye for now. Kids, don’t forget to brush your teeth twice a day!

Henry.

Christmas Is A-comin’!

Tue, 8 Dec 2009 21:40:33 -0500

Well it has been a coon’s age (no offence) since I’ve scribed a message to all you gang, but I thought I’d give a shout out because Christmas is coming and I’ve received the greatest gift a man can receive... I’m still alive! I’m as surprised as YOU! I’ll be honest, sometimes I can’t believe I’m going to make it through the end of the week, let alone another winter! At my age, I’ve lost most of my toes to frostbite and the very mention of pneumonia injects a half liter of infectious mucus into my one good lung (I donated the other to my Asian nephew Kikko). My papery grey skin sheds like a dried out rotten onion every time a brisk wind hits my cheeks and my nose runs like a ill begotten faucet from the bowels of hell. Basically, I wake up in a pool of confusing and slippery fluids every single morning from early October to the end of April every single year. If it weren’t for my love of Egg Nog, I probably would have passed on at least decade ago.

Now the other thing I like about this time of year is the damned Christmas carols. Have you HEARD some of these??? If you haven’t, I would highly recommend traveling to your local Eaton’s Centre and camping out at a table in the food court (preferably one close to a ‘Booster Juice’) and sip away at your MacDonald’s coffee for the entire day and just drink it all in. Need to go to the washroom? Pop in the nearby Old Navy. They have washrooms there! If you just pretend you’re going to try on a pair of socks, a salesperson will point you in the direction of a stall (oddly enough with no toilet) and you can relieve yourself of that sweet buttery MacDonalds coffee. Best part... when you want some more MacDonald’s coffee... you can go back for a re-fill. If they refuse to give one to you because you’ve been there 6 times already... give your soggy brown-stained cup to a prostitute. The cops don’t give a damn ‘bout another street ho (I learned that from the Law & Order TV show). Believe you me, you’ll soon be feeling the spirit of Christmas... in the form of MacDonald’s coffee!

‘Tis the SEASON I say! I’m not sure what it MEANS... but I’m saying it none the less.

Henry.

WHO THE HECK IS THIS ‘BRITNEY’ I KEEP HEARING ABOUT???

Tue, 29 Jan 2008 13:50:09 -0500

Hey Gang,
Well, I really should go right out and say it... I don’t know who this ‘Britney’ person is and yet, I find myself GLUED to the old ‘idiotbox’ because I can’t wait to see what she’s doing next! T’other day on ‘ET’ (the TV show not the Alien with that crazy noggin’) I saw the ‘coloured fellow’ talking about this young girl who had apparently really gone off the rails. I had to find out more. Well, it’s three days later and I still haven’t gotten to the bottom of this story.
Please, if anyone knows anything about this poor girl woes, inform me about how she’s doing. I wish her well.

Henry.

HEY, I’M STILL ALIVE!!!

Sat, 19 Jan 2008 14:08:46 -0500

Hey Gang,

    Well I’ve made it to the year 2008 and I couldn’t be happier! I won’t say what year I WAS born, but let me just give you a little hint of my age... I invented baseball! And here’s the KICKER; I invented baseball IN MY FORTIES!!!

    OK, now that we got that out of the way, I’d like to say welcome back to my website... or ‘blog’ someone has just informed me. I have NO idea who this young whipper-snapper Charlie Tupperman is, but if my thoughts have to be shared in this forum, so be it. I really have no idea how this whole internet business works, but as long as I’m still kicking in this world and some well-to-do huckaboo has two bits to rub together to allow me to script my messages on his webbed-site, than by gosh darn it I’m up for the challenge. Now if only I can get this cataract business taken care of, I’ll be living the life of Riley!

    I’ll be hones though... it’s been almost two years since I’ve written and nothing has happened in that time. In my last script, I had gone to see a rock and rolled concert. That was really the last time I left the house. I’ve been eating through ‘Meals On Wheels’ and my fixed income doesn’t allow me paint the town red anymore. But good news kids... I got a job yesterday! Meet the new floor cleaner at the Licks Express Hamburger Restaurant at Spadina & Bloor! I start Monday and I’ll be sure to tell you all about my adventures in the world of restauranteering!

IT’S GONNA BE A BLAST!!!

Henry.

Last night’s sigur ros concert.

Sun, 14 May 2006 14:13:45 -0400

Hey Gang, you wanna see a new Rocky Roll band that'll put some pep in your step? Well then you should check out Sigur Ros last night at Massey Hall! Holy jumpins these guys are really full of vim vigor and go! The main fellow sings like a girlie and plays his guitar with a bow... and if THAT isn't enough to crack your noggins, he sings some kinda gobbledy-gook language to boot! I was mesmerized right up until the second or third song where I must have fallen asleep! When I awoke, I was being trampled upon by a thousand young hooligans shuffling their way through to the exits. At first, the anger in my bones began to surface, but then it popped into my head what a wonderful show it was, a young girl helped me up and brushed off the cigarette butts and vacant syringes stuck to my gaberdeen suit, and I headed to the lobby to buy the band's latest record. Unfortunately, they didn't HAVE any full records, so I bought one of the little silver ones for a whopping $15. Also, as unfortunate, someone must have taken me for a grade-A SUCKER, because when I tried to play the record when I got home, the hole was a bit too big and the needle slid right off it! Well... when you're 79 years old and you're trying to live in a young buck's world, you should expect a few hucksters taking advantage of you every now and then I suppose. On the upside, I bought a particularly tasty box of fiddle-faddle on my way home after the ordeal.

That's it for now gang. I just wanted to say that I'm very excited about Mr. Brown's new job and wish that he would check up on me some time to make sure I'm doing all right. I haven't seen anyone in the office here for about a month and there isn't any coffee left. I know I'm not getting paid, but I fear the eviction notice on the front of the door cannot be good for business. Perhaps if I throw some more pocket-change his way, things will get back on track? Just a thought.

Henry.

TO HELL WITH PORTUGAL!

Sun, 12 Mar 2006 15:52:13 -0500

Well, guess what? Everyone went to Portugal but me. BIG surprise! Now I know I'm not 'with it' (as they say). I'm not YOUNG like the rest of the staff here at paulbrown.ca... but... COME ON THIS IS BULLSHIT!!! I show up to work here on Monday February 27th and guess what? I'M THE ONLY ONE HERE! I didn't even know anyone was even GOING to Portugal, let alone close down the offices for a damn week and a half! I find the older you get, the less you know these days. Since I retired, I've had so little to do and writing this blog has become my life. It hurts me deep inside when I realize that they see me as an old 'fuddy duddy' here at paulbrown.ca. Well, let me tell you... I'm not going to stand for it. Mark my words my friends... I'm going to become so WITH IT in the following blogs that I WILL NOT be ignored. It's time to start hitting the webworld up with some hard hitting TRUTH... and factoids... and possibly some humerous riddles... and I'll also keep up with my usual interesting anecdotes I suppose. Also, look forward to an interesting take on 'cats' that I'll be writing about soon (the pets, not the musical). I will NOT go down without a fight. Like that charming Austrian fellow once said in the movie about the robot... "Now.... it's personal".... or something along those lines.
STAY TUNED!
Henry.

The Grammy’s

Mon, 13 Feb 2006 15:56:09 -0500

Now Before I go into this, I just want to say that I know NOTHING about the Grammy's. You see, as it was, the other day I was flipping through the channels and saw that every other channel had 'The Grammys' on, so, always trying to be up on current events, I tuned in. I thought it was a new show about some swinging hot Grandmothers. You know... like 'The Golden Girls' with some sort of 80's twist. Boy was *I* wrong. I flip over to channel 28, and what do I see but a fella of colour spouting a fast paced line of verbage that was quite off colour. I've since found out that this is what they're calling 'Rap Singing' nowadays. Well, you can call it whatever you want, but Henry Inglenook calls it WONDERFUL!!! Can someone tell me what this new craze is all about??? This guy was flip floppin' around the stage and rhyming like it was some sort of 'Rhymaree' (if there is such a thing). I was on Cloud 9 until the announcer mentioned that after the next break, they were going to 'Dismantle An Atomic Bomb'... and I PANICKED! I automatically tuned in to the CBC News to see what all this hullabaloo was about! Atomic Bombs??? It looks like Osamba Vin Labben's up to his pesky tricks again! I was wrong. I found out after a bit that they were talking about some band called U2's new record. Oddly enough, I was very interested in this because I used to pilot a U2 Bomber back in my old Fly-Boy Days... I found no similarities between these Irish Fellow's music, and my Bomb Missions. No similarities at all thank you very much. Well... I could go on and on about these Grammys, but I won't. By the way, special props out to my bitch Kelly Clarkson. Congratulations girl... you rock my world.
STAY TUNED!
Henry.

NIN

Wed, 1 Feb 2006 15:59:55 -0500

Hey kids! Sorry I haven't 'blogged' for a while, but I've been listening to this new rock-and-roll band called 'The Nine Inch Nails'. I don't know much about music, but I think these fellas are going to be the next up and comers. They're like 'The Archies' with an 80's edge! Their latest record, 'Pretty Hate Machine' is really plowing through the fields! The RADIO fields that is! I'm not too much about negativity, hence, I'm not too keen on a record which features 'hate' in the main title, but I think the swinging beats make up for it. So a word to wise: If you want to be a step up on all the latest 'Chart Toppers', nudge yourself into your local watering hole and tell your chums that you think this new band is going to really knock their socks off! Hand out a few of the records that you've bought before hand at the local record shop ("Don't worry, there'll be plenty to go 'round, chaps!" you can exclaim) and become the most popular kid on your block faster than you can say "Head Like A Hole!" By the by, that's one of the songs on the record... that's a freebie that you can drop... from Henry to you. As my favourite detective Kojak would say, "Who loves ya baby?"

STAY TUNED!

Henry.

DON’T GO THERE GIRLFRIEND!

Wed, 25 Jan 2006 16:04:24 -0500

...is what I heard a young lady saying this morning to her friend on the Subway. If I'm not mistaken, I heard either the same (or a similar phrase) from a character on 'That's So Raven' (I believe it was the girl of colour). What I'M curious about is this: Either that phrase has been around for a WHILE without my knowledge, or 'That's So Raven' is finally getting the mass audience it deserves. I may be old, but I tend to think the latter point is the truth. Not much goes down on the streets without my watchful eyes and ears picking it up. And that's my observation for the day.

Henry.

I HATE Mondays!

Mon, 23 Jan 2006 16:09:51 -0500

I know it's been said a hundred times, but I'm throwin' it out there again. "I.... HATE.... Mondays!" And just remember kids, you heard it right here first from Henry 'The Man' Inglenook, himself! For all you kids out there who aren't in the work force yet, trust me... you'll be in my position soon enough. You wake up Monday morning after a blowout of a weekend, put your teeth in, brush your hair, shave your scragg, loop a tie around your neck and it's off to the races... the RAT races that is. Human Resources is a young man's game I guess. You probably wouldn't know it from my pictures, but I'm only 42... AND THAT'S what Mondays does to you. Did I mention that I wish I was dead? I didn't? Well I does..
HENRY'S BLOG
Henry.